The words that come out of our mouths matter. They matter a lot. Carefully chosen, words can inspire, they can heal, and encourage. But, on the other side of that coin, words can inflame, they can incite, they can wound, deeply. Here’s what Confucius had to say on the subject: “Without knowing the force of words, it is impossible to know more.” Let’s listen to what Kathryn Palen has to say.
Kathryn Palen comes to us from North Kingstown, RI. Palen reports that in her work for the American Baptist Churches of Rhode Island, she has the joy of traveling with people as they journey through the third third of life.
I believe in using “round words.”
A participant in a recent Zoom coffee chat my office sponsored shared about a course in which she’s learning to use “round words” instead of “cactus words.”
Initially it was the image of “cactus words” that jumped out at me. It was easy to think of words that are sharp or prickly. Ones that are barb-like and pierce so easily. Ones that often roll off our tongues or keyboards just as easily.
But it’s the image of “round words” that’s stuck with me. Maybe that’s because I’ve had to wrestle with how to explain what I think it means.
I don’t think “round words” are so soft or squishy that they fail to convey anything concrete and simply allow us to go around difficult topics. They’re also not so ill-defined that their use results in our going round and round because we lack a shared understanding of their meaning.
Instead, I believe that “round words” have substance without having sharp edges. They invite conversation rather than inflict wounds. They communicate meaning not malice, hope not harshness, sincerity not sarcasm.
Because people and situations are so different, I’m not sure how helpful it is to construct a list of “round words.” Maybe it’s more constructive to reflect on the context for those words:
• What am I really trying to say?
• Why do I want to say it?
• Is this the right time or setting to say it?
• What words might the person to whom I’m saying it most likely hear?
Asking those questions before I speak—or email or text—requires thatI slow down and reflect rather than speed up and react. It often keeps me from hurling “cactus words” that may feel good to me in the moment but be painful to someone else far into the future. It helps me identify “round words” that might help everyone involved feel understood and valued.
Using “round words” isn’t always easy. It takes time and intentionality. It requires considering how others may hear us rather than simply what we want to say. It values communication that can make a lasting difference over the cleverness of a snarky one-liner.
But I believe that now, perhaps more than ever, it’s worth the effort. Using “round words” might just help us begin healing divisions and creating community.
